little lonely blog and feelings of inadequacy

More and more I am attracted to the idea of a blog that no one reads, existing alone and unloved in the blogosphere. I assume that most blogs end up in this state yet not many intend to do so. I think I want this blog to be just like me: lonely with intermittent feelings of inadequacy then surges of confidence, soon shot down by the inadequacy of my confidence.

Reading the blog of a fellow graduate from my course I am hit straight in the face and punched in the gut with these feelings of inferiority and mediocrity; her blog is ok, but her writing and her work experience and CV are amazing. Even her anxiety is better than mine; I can't even compete on a fragile mental health level! [TIC] I suppose I am too quick to compare myself to others, and when I do I always seem to put myself down and convince myself that I am inferior. That is definitely how I am feeling right now.

This is why I have never stuck to the blogging. This is now the third blog I have made and the second incarnation of this one; each one starts with good intentions but the niggling feeling that I am simply too shy and too lazy to post anything of any interest or creativity. Blogging anxiety: like social anxiety but on the internet. I can't even post in forums because I find seeing my written words on the screen far too exposing.

I suppose what I am saying is that I want to blog, I want to be creative, I have ideas, I have dreams. I am going to do what I want to do and try to stop comparing myself with other people who are doing different things and who are different to me. I will stop worrying about being judged and use this as the  creative outlet that I want it to be. I don't need it to be the best, funniest, prettiest, coolest or most intellectual, just my little lonely blog.

untitled

does what I write matter,

or is what matters only the process and the fact that I have written it?

does it matter if someone reads it and understands,

or is what matters only that someone read it and might understand it one day?

Transferable Skills

I have many:
eating, sleeping, breathing, talking, moving, thinking.

I can do these in most places and in most situations if the feeling takes me.

Really, wtf does 'transferable skills' really mean? It's just another bullshit idea to justify the existence of bullshit schemes by a bullshit government (all governments, their party name is irrelevant).

I read an interesting article in the Guardian, entitled "Why doesn't Britain make things anymore?" I work in the service sector (for now) and each shift fills me with a little more dread about the fate of mankind and the economy. Pushing sales, finding missing stock that amounts to the price of a brand new family car EVERY WEEK! Pushing sales to people who will buy it with a credit card, who will pay off the minimum amount every month. Staff being treated appallingly by senior staff who believe that your life should revolve around the store. People not getting their break and working 12 hour shifts, in retail ffs, hardly life or death situations of someone takes a lunch hour you would imagine.

The government wants us to work like this, and to consume like this, but it is not sustainable. When I leave my job in the next couple of weeks, I will not be replaced, my hours will not go to another member of staff, they will disappear into the ether and the company will save £460 per month as a result. That is one less job that could have gone to someone who wants it, one less job in the government's beloved service sector, from which I have found they want to learn 'best practice. My new job is in a local library, and in the job description they said something about learning from retail 'best practice'. After 10 years in retail, I can confirm there is no such thing as 'best practice', just dog eat dog, exploitative and underhand tactics where the mind is worth nothing and the use of your own common sense is frowned upon.

Without a sense of irony, my store offers apprenticeships in customer service, counters and bakery. What are these worth in the real world? If you have no level 2 qualifications I would suggest you go to evening classes and get a GCSE in English and Maths, instead of filling out bullshit worksheets on health and safety and labeling the store's fire exits (which you do not need to study for an apprenticeship to know). Plus, what physical skills are there to learn in a supermarket? In the bakery everything comes in frozen and is simply warmed up in the ovens. On the meat counter the most challenging aspect is cutting a steak to a certain thickness; no carving up animals, that has already been done further back in the production line. And as for customer service? Don't make me laugh! Do you really mean learning how to deal with stressed customers can get me a qualification? A* all round for me then!

films that I haven't seen

a list, non exhaustive, as follows:


Melancholia
Capote
Jane Eyre
You and Me and Everyone We Know
Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind
Hamlet (Olivier)
Thelma and Louise
Gone With The Wind
Titanic (no loss)
Sex and The City (see above)
The Maltese Falcon
A Clockwork Orange
The Life Aquatic with Steve Zissou
The Man Who Wasn't There
Oliver
Breakfast at Tiffany's
Silence of the Lambs
Calamity Jane
Rocky (all)
Rambo (all)


I have managed my life quite adequately so far without watching them, although I feel some may eventually make their way into my DVD player, although I can happily die without ever watching Titanic, Rambo, Rocky and Sex and the City (both outings).