More and more I am attracted to the idea of a blog that no one reads, existing alone and unloved in the blogosphere. I assume that most blogs end up in this state yet not many intend to do so. I think I want this blog to be just like me: lonely with intermittent feelings of inadequacy then surges of confidence, soon shot down by the inadequacy of my confidence.
Reading the blog of a fellow graduate from my course I am hit straight in the face and punched in the gut with these feelings of inferiority and mediocrity; her blog is ok, but her writing and her work experience and CV are amazing. Even her anxiety is better than mine; I can't even compete on a fragile mental health level! [TIC] I suppose I am too quick to compare myself to others, and when I do I always seem to put myself down and convince myself that I am inferior. That is definitely how I am feeling right now.
This is why I have never stuck to the blogging. This is now the third blog I have made and the second incarnation of this one; each one starts with good intentions but the niggling feeling that I am simply too shy and too lazy to post anything of any interest or creativity. Blogging anxiety: like social anxiety but on the internet. I can't even post in forums because I find seeing my written words on the screen far too exposing.
I suppose what I am saying is that I want to blog, I want to be creative, I have ideas, I have dreams. I am going to do what I want to do and try to stop comparing myself with other people who are doing different things and who are different to me. I will stop worrying about being judged and use this as the creative outlet that I want it to be. I don't need it to be the best, funniest, prettiest, coolest or most intellectual, just my little lonely blog.
